Well, it has finally happened. We sold our house in May, and a week ago we moved to Omaha. My life lately has been a lot of waiting and living out of suitcases and boxes. We can't move into our new home till next week so we have been living with my in-laws in the meantime.
During this time of transition I have been learning some things about myself. I feel lacking in purpose and discontent with life a good portion of the time. Okay, maybe I already knew this, but I have had to stare it in the face and confront it in the past month or two. For some reason I thought that moving here would suddenly give me a sense of purpose. Finally giving me that satisfied feeling I have been searching for all these years. WRONG!! Turns out, contentment isn't based on where you live, it's a character flaw! Shocker. We had been here all of three days, and I was already starting to search for stuff to fill up my life here. I was even considering attending cosmetology school for heaven's sake! You see, I am not good at relaxing or just being. I feel that I constantly need to be doing something. Well here at my in-laws, I haven't had to cook, clean, fix my kids meals, or anything that I normally have to do at home. I have had the freedom to sit and paint my nails, take hour long runs, and talk to my in-laws and children. Most of you would probably jump at the chance to have 2 weeks off from taking care of your kids and home, but I have a hard time enjoying it. I think God is trying to teach me to be still. I know in my head that my worth as a person doesn't come from what I do, but my heart is constantly seeking something to make me feel worthwhile. Surely just being a stay at home mom isn't good enough. Surely I must need to do something great in order to have worth has a human being. If my life doesn't look like a Tampax commercial then I must be doing something wrong. If I am not out preaching the Gospel to the lost nations of the world or serving the homeless and poor in my community then I must not be worthwhile. Contentment to me has always been this elusive feeling that comes in the midst of doing something I feel is exciting enough, only to leave again when I go back to the mundane tasks of life. Somehow I got the idea that it is unbiblical and un-American to just live. Our culture seems to breed discontentment. True success is this high bar that only a few with enough spirit can achieve. The rest of us just don't quite cut it.
Then I had a revelation. I was spending sometime in my Bible asking God to please help me be content. He brought me to some verses that shone some light on my dilemma. Titus 3:4-7 says "But when the goodness and love for man appeared from God our Savior, He saved us- not by works of righteousness that we had done, but according to His mercy, through the washing of regeneration and renewal by the Holy Spirit. This He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by His grace, we may become heirs with the hope of eternal life."
My worth does not come from what I do, but in whom I trust. What matters is not how hopping my social calendar is or how many accomplishments I have under my belt, but that I have been justified by God's grace and I have eternal life with Him. Being reminded of this gave me a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long time. I can rest from my striving and be still in knowing that Jesus' work on the cross for me was enough. I am free to just live the life He has given me without the guilt of not being good enough. Jesus shed blood on the cross for our sin is the only thing that makes us good enough. That is a freeing concept to finally grasp. One I am sure I will have to continue to keep learning the rest of my life.
How about you? Do you ever feel "not good enough?"