Wednesday, December 5, 2012
This past week I have been struggling once again with anxiety. I stuggle with the constant fear that the medicine I am on will stop working and I will be stuck back in the same pit again. Last night I had trouble sleeping because I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart rate kept speeding up. I'm not sure if this was because I was feeling anxious about not being able to fall asleep and then started to fear that something was wrong with my heart, or if my fear that the medicine is no longer helping is coming true. Either way, I got up this morning feeling completely defeated and hopeless. On top of anxiety I struggle with a very pessimistic outlook on life.
While I was sitting at the breakfast table feeling sorry for myself, I was reminded of what the pastor spoke on this Sunday (we listen to Grace Baptist's sermons online on Sundays). He talked about how we know God's promises but often don't live like we believe in them. He quoted Psalm 5 where David lays out his request before God in the morning and watches to see how God will keep his promise to him. So I prayed for God to give me hope and some kind of encouragement to get through the day. As I prayed this, I sensed God telling to expect to hear from my good friend Mary. Sure enough when I checked my e-mail this morning, there was a message from Mary. She quoted Romans 8:1 to me and said that it was encouraging to her that because of Jesus we are no longer stuck in our sin or held in bondage to it, and that she was praying for me.
This afternoon I was feeling hopeless and discouraged and once again my faithful God brought to mind more of his word to encourage my heart. Psalm 139:11-12 is a passage I've been memorizing lately and it's meaning finally sunk in. My situation seems dark and hopeless to my finite human mind but to God it is as bright as the sun. He is not up in heaven wringing his hands in despair wondering what on earth to do now about poor Katie. God is never discouraged or in despair over our problems. He is sovereign over them and uses them for our good (Romans 8:28). In fact our trials are given to us by God to teach us not to rely on ourselves but on Him who raises the dead (2 Cor. 1:9-10).
He also brought Psalm 42 to my attention. The Psalmist is reminding himself that in his despair he must put his hope in God. He says "My soul is downcast within me;therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar." When we are feeling hopeless, we remind ourselves of God's faithfulness to us and his people in the past. This is what gives us the hope to go on. That he will once again bring us out of the valley and put us back on the moutain.
So I followed David's example and asked to see God's promises realized in me, that they would be made more sure in my heart and He did. I don't know what the future holds or how I will sleep tonight, but I know that my faithful God will be with me. He is my stronghold and the rock on which I stand. I leave you with these encouraging words from Isaiah.
Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will stengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."